Engaging in the New Millennium
Sorry about that I seem to have dosed off for a few years.
So this morning I woke up combed out my flock of seagulls hair do, tossed out my checkered converse and dropped off my van halen t-shirt
in the trash can and leapt full force into the 90's. Hope this is still your e-mail if not, Whats up? Since once every 2 months is too little to communicate I figured since
everyone I know other than Roger is asleep by 11pm it was time for me to tackle spam and viruses on the web in addition to Christmas dinner with my
grandparents. So you are pretty lucky cause not only am I back but I'm back with an agenda I figure if I'm gonna join the on-line genre I'm gonna do it
Jiggs style. This is my forum to display my candy inventions, faves, rants and gospel. I'm starting with the laws that I will put into place for the
island I will one day inhabit and rule. Feel free to put in your own ideas. I will consider them and either reject them or use them and claim them as my
own.
Feels good to be back......
A Rule for example: There is to be no spandex of any type on the island. No tube
tops, no speedos, no bike shorts. Spandex never looks good on men and any
women who could pull off a tube top is competition and any women who cannot
pull off a tube top has no right to wear one. This is the Island of
Jiggsmarica, not Jerry Springer.
LOVE YA
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Let me tell ya about poundin' the pavement. 2 years ago, scratch that 4
years ago I bought these boots in Syracuse cause they made my "boats look
fly" they were a 7 1/2 I was an 8. Cut to 4 years later 2 feet of snow and
wind chills in the ice ice baby range, spotlight on the girl with size 7
1/2s trudging in a cross country ski way down the unshoveled sidewalks who
just realized she's no 8 anymore but a boatload 9 1/2. I should cover my
flip flops in plastic and call it a day. No NEW BOOTS. Not for me I
bought'em I'll wear'em till I bust a toe through the steel tip. Hello world
meet my big toe. My cat can wear'em she's got 7 toes on each paw.
You know what I do on the internet, you know what I use it for: WEATHER;
you tell me the city I will tell you the 7 day forecast and what it's doing
there right now. I also send out long lenghthy letters to our mayor and
governor, you know what Pataki you're so concerned with employment in this
state let me fax you my resume, I would have walked down and handed it to
you personally when I lived in Albany 2 blocks from your mansion but you
were never there, something about a vacation. Other than that I just spread
the word. Gotta go there's some Spree on the coffee table waiting to get
the sugar coating sucked off. Whatever happened to Bonkers candy????????
I think they made it into cat food.
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Nah I didn't get a computer, I've just been using Roger's laptop. I don't see
how I can go to Colorado when I don't fly on planes, unless you are driving
in which case we've been friends for way to long to go on any sort of
roadtrip. You won't want to experience me confined. Your car would reek of
doritos and very fine fruit punch after I patronize it.
As for instant messaging I have been forbidden to download anything on his computer and we
don't have aol -- the hook up is through University of Buffalo. so we have like
MSN or some crap I don't know but I'm on probation with this thing cause you
know how I am with other peoples property. O.P.P yeah you know me.
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IT TAKES ME A 1/2 HOUR TO SHAVE MY LEGS, NOT CAUSE THEY ARE ULTRA HAIRY BUT BECAUSE I CAN'T SEEM TO
GET THE ALOE STRIP TO SURVIVE FOR MORE THAN 2 MINUTES, AND THEN I HAVE TO
RELY ON THE PERFECT SHOWER GEL LOOFAH SPONGE SOAP CONCOCTION. I JUST NEED
TO GET TEMPORARILY OBESE SO THAT MY LEGS CREATE SO MUCH FRICTION WITH MY
PANTS THAT THE HAIR IS PERMANENTLY REMOVED.
BY THE WAY KARL KEPT CALLIN ME AND I WOULDN'T RETURN HIS CALLS AND I SENT
HIM AN E-MAIL WHEN I JOINED THE MASSES AND HE E-MAILS ME WHY DON'T YOU TALK
TO ME ANYMORE, WHY WON'T YOU RETURN MY CALLS.
SO I WAS LIKE ALLRIGHT HERE GOES. I SENT HIM THIS E-MAIL TELLING HIM HE IS
WAY TOO SELF ABSORBED AND MATERIALISTIC AND I DON'T REALLY CARE TO KNOW HIM
ANYMORE. I'M THINKIN THATS IT, HE'S GONNA WRITE ME THIS REALLY NASTY E-MAIL
BACK AND THEN I WILL BE THROUGH WITH HIM.
INSTEAD I GET THIS YOU'RE RIGHT I'M A LOUSY HUMAN BEING E-MAIL, AND THEN
FLASH FORWARD TO 5 DAYS LATER. I AIN'T E-MAILED HIM BACK.
COME ON UP AND VISIT ANYTIME WE HAVE ABOUT 2-3 FEET OF SNOW ON THE GROUND
NOW AND EVERYDAY WHEN THE SUN SETS WE GET ANOTHER 3-6 INCHES FROM THE LAKE.
WE LIVE IN THE SUBURBS AND NOONE PLOWS OUR STREET OR SHOVELS THEIR SIDEWALK.
IT'S STILL BETTER THAN BINGHAMTON, AT LEAST WE DON'T HAVE UNKNOWN BLACK
MALES WITH COMBS STUCK IN THEIR AFROS WALKING INTO OUR APARTMENT AFTER 1 AM
LOOKIN' FOR SOME GUY NAMED DENNY. I'LL NEVER FORGET THAT SHIT. AND AT
LEAST OUR NEIGHBOR DOESN'T HAVE AN ABUSIVE STAB-CRAZY GIRLFRIEND LIKE OUR
SUPERINTENDENT DAN IN ALBANY. AND AT LEAST I DON'T LIVE WITH KARL AND
SANDY IN SYRACUSE. SURE WE HAD A MURDER SUICIDE OVER A PARKING SPACE A FEW
DOORS DOWN AND OUR HOUSE WAS THE SITE OF A MAJOR DRUG RAID THAT OCCURED 2
1/2 YEARS AGO BUT THERE IS A NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN AND HER NAME IS JIGGS.
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did you know that bagels don't stay fresh all that long in the fridge? I
thought they would be allright, better than in the cupboard. So Roger goes to
me last night "The fridge is smellin' funky, again" (a seemingly regular
occurence in the household). So I looked through the fridge through out
what I think was lettuce, a tomato that looked like a raisin, and some
rancid milk. and then I see the bagels so I'm like "NICE". I'll have a
tuna sandwich bagel for dinner.
So I'm all psyched, I've got it down to a science. I wait for 20/20 to come on I make the tuna, I go to get the
bagels, and I'm hit with this odor I can only describe as coffin dirt. It literally smelled like wet wood and dirt. So I open the bagels to assess
the situation and they were black as tar.
So I had pasta. Threw off my whole evening, and the garbage can lid outside
is frozen shut so I can't throw it outside. I've got it quaranteend in a
grocery bag in a closet with a glade freshner. Hope I don't forget it.
It's so friggen cold here. I took a shower and then walked down to the gas
station to get my cigs. When I got back my hair had frozen. I didn't feel
like dryin' it before I left. So I had to thaw out.
Karl called me at 9am this morning, 6am his time, for what i have no clue,
didn't answer.
But I think everyone knows I rarely answer my phone let alone at 9 in the
morn.
He probably had some gay epiphany. I am tryin' out for who wants to be a
millionaire. They better let me on. I rock that show. I couldn't be on
Jeopardy cause they have like 2 seconds to think of the answer, and I would
probably buzz in even if I didn't know just cause of the pressure.
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BUFF BUFFALO
DAMN MAN, IT'S BEEN SNOWIN HERE FOR LIKE A WEEK STRAIGHT, THERE'S FOUR FEET
OF SNOW PILED UP ON OUR BACK STOOP AND IT'S 3 DEGREES OUT. TODAY I WENT TO
THE BANK TO DEPOSIT A PITY ON JIGGS CHECK FROM GRAMS AND GRAMPS. I'M NOT ONE
TO TURN AWAY FREE MONEY IF IT'S BEING OFFERED, AND I RETURNED SOME BOTTLES
SO I COULD GET ME SOME JUICE AND CARROTS. I'VE BEEN PLAYING FREE CELL ON THE
COMPUTER ALL DAY INSTEAD OF LOOKIN' FOR A JOB. I'M THINKIN MAYBE I WON'T
GET A JOB AND I'LL BECOME A PROFFESSIONAL POKER/FREE CELL PLAYER. LADIES
WHO PLAY POKER AND PLAy it WELL MAKE GOOD MONEY. MORE THAN I'M MAKIN'
SITTIN HERE.
I'VE BEEN ON A STEADY DIET OF BACON EGG SANDWICHES FOR THE LAST WEEK CAUSE
I NEED TO GET SOME GROCERIES BUT IT'S TOO COLD TO LEAVE THE HOUSE. AS LONG
AS I HAVE BLACK CHERRY COLA I'M SET
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FOOTBALL
CAN'T TELL YOU HOW PISSED I AM. FUCKIN' PATRIOTS WANNABE RED SOX OF HOPE
FOR SOME CLAIM TO FAME FOR BOSTON. IF YOU HEAR ANYONE FROM BOSTON BRAG
ABOUT THE VICTORY REMIND THEM FOR ME OF THIS. THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS HAVE
HAD THE LEAST FAN SUPPORT IN THE NFL. BOSTON NEVER CLAIMED TO SUPPORT THEM
UNTIL THEY MADE IT TO THE PLAYOFFS BECAUSE THEY WERE STILL CURLED UP IN THE
FETAL POSITION CRYIN AFTER THEIR BELOVED RED COX LOST YET AGAIN.
SO BOTTOM
LINE IS YEAH THAT GIRL I SUCKER PUNCHED FOR PRETENDING SHE LOVED THE
PATRIOTS BECAUSE SHE CHECKED PATRIOTS ON THE BET SHEET TO WIN DESERVED IT.
NO I AIN'T APOLOGIZIN'
AND ABOVE ALL LOVE THE GAME AND HATE DA PLAYA'S ...
I WON ME 2 GRAND ON MY PICKS. AND THE COCK SUCKER BOSTONITES STILL WON.
MAN CAN DELHOMME THROW, AND MAN CAN BRADY BEND OVER AND TAKE IT FROM BEHIND.
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JANET'S BOOB
So a boob popped out, or was ripped out, whatever. it's not like she had a
machine gun in there. i lip read worse shit coming from the coaches, and
not to mention the cat fights down on the field.
i made 10 good picks and calls before kick off and beat the spread as well
so i wound up with the jackpot. i also wound up piss drunk by 10pm, ya
know how they tell you not to mix liquor and beer, well for me i can't mix
bud with miller high life and chase it with cheap wine.
i say don't apologize for the half time boob appearance, i'd just be like
"dude, so my boob popped out, you didn't say anything about my boob not
being able to attend"
accident my ass. the lyrics to that song are "i'm gonna get you naked by
the end of this song" - mission under way. and what was supposed to have
happened when he ripped off the patch, was there supposed to be a golden
ticket to next years superbowl stuck to her boob.
i have to admit though I do like that song and justin's not a bad lookin
fella, but why did p.diddy come out and bust out one of his 10 year old
songs. and why was he rockin' your fur lined coat from the seventh grade
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NEW PANTS
I have to get my fat ass to target today so i can get myself some new pants.
i gotta go on an interview tommorow for a bank position and i dont think
my cargo cords and hoodie are gonna cut it. and since i am ass broke i
need to discount retail the shit out of my wardrobe. i'm talking pants you
can wear 3 times max before they shred themselves.
or maybe i should just go as is and be like look this is me "i'm gonna be
late every day and leave early every shift" "I'm gonna call in sick 3 out
of 5 shifts" and chances are any 15 minute break i take is gonna be more
like 30" " I'm not gonna give correct change and i'm gonna take as many
office supplies as i can stuff under my coat" " I'm gonna complain about
how over worked and underpaid i am even though i won't be at work half the
time and will falsify my time sheet"" and when it comes to customer service it's really gonna depend on how i
am feeling at the moment" I'm gonna eat at my station and chew gum only to
stick it under the table. and if you give me access to a computer i'm just
gonna type jibberjabber really fast while lookin really annoyed so know one
bothers me. Oh and by the way I have horrible credit and i'm pretty sure i
owe money to several bank around the state maybe even yours." So when do I
start?
Most likely though I'll be on my best fake behavior which will last until
I'm on someone's payroll.
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TELLER OF THE YEAR
So first I went to the wrong building for my interview. So I show up like
10 minutes late but what do they expect they have 2 bulidings downtown one
M&t Centre and one M&T plaza. I showed up at the center first. All in all
my interview went well. I got the job and will be placed in a branch within
a week. I'll get some health benefits in one month but all I really care
about is how much sick and vacation time do I get. Cause once I clock in all
I will be waiting for is clocking out.
I think it will work out if not I'll just rob myself at my station and
become a professional bank robber.
Downtown Buffalo is a ghost town, I'm talking tumbleweeds ablowin' cross
the dirty dead street ghost town. At one point I thought about askin' for
directions just to make sure I was headed in the right way and I looked
around and the only other person on the street was a hot dog vendor who
looked like he had been frozen in time back when the streets consisted of
more than the nothingness it is today. They have this little strip mall
downtown and it looks like it would be the perfect place to work cause i
don't think anyones been in there for ten years and a day.
They have placed me in the M&T Plaza branch so I have to go in Tuesday
to fill out my paperwork, etc. I'm gonna be working on the 14th floor so
maybe I can burn some calories trekking up the stairs cause elevators scare
me and they make my ears pop. I get free checking and a safety deposit box.
But if that bank thinks I'm gonna open a checking account with them then
they have another thing coming. No way I'm just gonna cash my paychecks and
put the cash in my own safety deposit bank , i.e., the bottom of my garbage can
under the lining. I will use the safety deposit box to store candy and old
vhs episodes of roseanne.
I'm gonna be working in the middle of downtown so maybe I will send you some
tumbleweeds.
Peace
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I have a
new favorite thing..... The Dollar Store, 66 oz botlle of windex $1,
shower curtain $2, Shampoo and Conditioner $2.50, Dish Detergent $1.00,
Soda $2.00 a 12 pack, never having to pay more than 3 bucks for make up...
priceless...
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God thank you I got tomorrow and the weekend off, did I tell you there are no men working
in my bank branch and I am the only one under 50. I'm dead serious I went
from living on the same block that Cocoon came from to working woth the
elderly. What surprises me though is that I have not only managed to get
to work but I get there early and don't bitch about my lunch breaks. Maybe
because I eat at my station and daydream about the thousands of dollars at
my disposal.
I watched a special on PBS the other night it's called Globe
Trekker and it's just this guy who goes all over the world or whatever like a
documentary and the other night they had Chile on and I learned about the
two towers in Chile however I was intoxicated at the time and don't remember
much else other than it's next to Patagonia which made me think of Black
Francis which made me think of how old he is he just turned forty.
Thousand.
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BABY SHOWER BUFFALO-STYLE
Yeah we bought sarah for her baby shower some odor sucking diaper pail I told Roger we should've
bought her condoms since she ran out about 9 months ago. Started work
yesterday who woulda thought I would have my own 9-5 job at a bank no less.
It's going well but I'm tired as shit cause I need like 15 hours sleep and
I nedd it from 4am-7pm cause this going to sleep early shit don't work for
me.
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JELLIOTT HAS ASTHMA AND GOES TO CHILE
Flashback to the seventh grade there with your glasses and this time the
added bonus of an inhaler. Just think of it is your own personal oxygen
tank ya know like the eighty year old smokers tug around with them. How do
you keep getting so much time off of work? I have another baby shower to go to this week. I'm tellin ya
right now if I have to sit through another 4 hours of some prego chick
opening her gifts at the speed of sloth I'm gonna go crazy. My thoughts on
the whole thing are look, you get yourself knocked up, buy your own damn
gifts cause it ain't my fault you don't know how to use birth control.
Tonight is a two hour dateline special on Kurt and Courtney so since you"re
probably on your way to never neverland or chile I'' tape it and send it to
you when you get back.
peace
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