As promised, here you'll find Jiggs's Rules for the sovereign island of Jiggsmerica, where Jiggs (of Buffalo, NY fame) will reign as the Queen Mum and Queen herself.
RULE # 1
IF AT ANY POINT ON THE ISLAND OF JIGGSMERICA THE TEMPERATURE DIPS BELOW 0
DEGREES FARENHEIT, METEOROLIGISTS ARE FORBIDDEN TO DECLARE TEMPERATURES AS
14 BELOW OR MINUS 14, ETC. THE NEW SYSTEM WILL BE AS FOLLOWS.
-25-0: ICE, ICE BABY
0-25: BITCH PUT YOUR COAT ON AND STOP COMPLAINING IT AIN'T LIKE ITS ICE ICE
BABY.
25-49: BITCH KEEPYOUR DAMN COAT ON AND STOP COMPLAINING, IT'S WINTER.
49-60: PREMATURLY BREAK OUT YOUR BABRBEQUES AND GET YOUR CAR WASHED.
60-75: BITCH EITHER TAKE YOUR COAT OFF OR GET NAKED.
75-85: BITCH EITHER GET NAKED OR GET IN MY INFLATABLE POOL
85-100: MY INFLATABLE POOL MELTED AND I JUST HAD MY SECOND HEAT STROKE.
100 AND ABOVE- FUCK IT I'LL TAKE MY CHANCES AT THE PUBLIC BEACH.
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RULE # 2: THERE WILL BE NO GABBING ON YOUR CELL PHONE DURING THESE TIMES:
1) IN THE CHECK-OUT LINE AT THE GROCERY STORE.
(CAUSE LISTEN LADIES I'M TRYIN TO BUY ONE PINT OF HAGGEN DAAZ, I DON'T
HAVE TIME TO LISTEN TO DETAILS ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER'S WEDDING, IT'S SNOWING
OUTSIDE AND I GOTS TO WALK A MILE BACK HOME. SO STOP GABBIN' AND USE THAT
OTHER HAND TO PUT YOUR MAXI PADS ON THE BELT.)
2) ON PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION
(CAUSE ONCE AGAIN LADIES, IF YOUR MAN'S CHEATING ON YOU IT'S NONE OF MY
BUSINESS I'M JUST TRYIN' TO LISTEN TO SOME PIXIES AND I DON'T NEED YOUR ELBOW
IN MY EAR.)
3) AT THE DOCTORS OFFICE
( LET THE DOCTOR DIAGNOSE YOU, YOUR FRIEND WON'T HAVE ANY CLUE WHAT YOUR
WEIRD RASH IS AND IF SHE DOES MAYBE YOU SHOULD CONSIDER A DIFFERENT CLASS OF
FRIENDS)
4) ON A DATE
(WHATEVER HAPPENED TO SNEAKING OUT THE BATHROOM WINDOW)
5) AT A PARTY
(LOOK CHANCES ARE YOU WEREN'T COOL ENOUGH TO GET INVITED IN THE FIRST
PLACE AND HAD TO COME WITH YOUR FRIEND SO STOP CALLING THE OPERATOR
PRETENDING SHE'S ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS WHO SHOULD COME CHECK OUT THE PARTY.)
6) AT GRANDMA'S
IF IT AIN'T AN 8 TRACK DONT WHIP IT OUT AT GRANDMAS - TECHNOLOGY SCARES
OLD PEOPLE AND THEY'RE LIKELY TO USE YOUR CELL TO CHANGE THE TELEVISION
CHANNEL)
7) WHILE YOU'RE DRIVING
(LOOK THERE ISN'T ANYONE IN THE WORLD THAT CARES YOU ARE ON YOUR WAY TO
T.J MAX AND IF THEY DO THEY ARE PROBABLY WORKING THERE THAT DAY ANYWAY.)
8) AT THE DMV
(THAT'S WHY THEY TOOK YOUR LISCENSE ANYWAY FOOL.)
9) ON ANY COLLEGE CAMPUS
(BECAUSE YOUR FRIENDS DON'T CARE YOU HAVE AN HOUR BREAK FROM YOUR 8AM
AND 9AM CLASS ON SATURDAY.)
10) ALL DAY SUNDAY
(I NEED ONE DAY AWAY FROM "WANKSTA" AND OTHER CHEESY CELL PHONE RINGS.)
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RULE # 3: THERE WILL BE NO TAXES ON THE FOLLOWING ON THE ISLAND OF JIGGSMERICA:
1) CIGARETTES: EXCEPT FOR MISTY'S CAUSE THE ONLY PEOPLE THAT SMOKE MISTY'S
ARE 60 AND ABOVE AND THEY SHOULDN'T BE SMOKIN' ANYWAY.
2) CANDY: PEEPS AND LICORICE ARE EXCLUDED FROM THIS RULE 'CAUSE THEY ARE NASTY AND THE ONLY
WAY TO GET THEM OFF THE MARKET IS TO TAX THEM SO PEOPLE WILL BUY EVEN LESS.
3) FAST FOOD: IF IT'S THAT FAST IT CAN'T BE THAT GOOD AND THEREFORE SHOULD
BE CHEAP. I'M TIRED OF PAYING 6 DOLLARS FOR A VALUE MEAL THAT ONLY TOOK 3
MINUTES TO COOK. I NEED TO SAVE MONEY FOR MY ER VISIT.
4) BOTTLES: THERE WILL BE NO BOTTLE DEPOSIT CHARGED. INSTEAD THE EXCESS
BOTTLES WILL BE USED TO MAIL MESSAGES AND JIGGSMERICA GOSPEL OVERSEAS THUS
ELIMINATING THE NEED FOR STAMPS. STAMPS WILL NOW BE CALLED PICTURE TAPE.
5) CLOTHES: FROM NOW ON IF IT SAYS $19.99 IT'S $19.99 NOT $20.79. CAUSE
SOMETIMES A GIRL ONLY HAS $20.00.
P.S STILL FINDIN' RUMOURS ABOUT PIXIES REUNION BUT ALSO BLOATED PICS OF
FRANK BLACK WHO HAS BEEN PLAYIN THE COMEDY CIRCUIT IN LOS ANGELES. HE SHOULD
MOVE TO JIGGSMARICA I WOULD GIVE HIM AN OPENING SLOT.
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RULE #4: THE SO REAL LIFE
THE SURREAL LIFE, WHICH NORMALLY AIRS ON THE WB IN THE UNITED STATES, WILL BE
CALLED THE SO REAL LIFE IN JIGGSMERICA. THE CAST WILL BE AS FOLLOWS:
BLACK FRANCIS: WHO WILL BE CALLED CHUBBS ON THE SHOW IN ORDER TO ENTICE AND
EMBARASS HIM INTO TO LOSING WEIGHT.
AXL ROSE: WHO WILL BE CALLED HAIRPLUGS IN ORDER TO EMBARASS HIM ENOUGH SO THAT HE
REMOVES AND EITHER REPLANTS OR JUST DOES BALD.
COURTNEY LOVE: WHO WILL BE CALLED JAILBAIT, AS LONG AS HER PAROLE OFFICER
ALLOWS IT.
BARBARA WALTERS: WHO WILL BE CALLED BAWBAWA WAWAS.
JOHN STAMOS: WHO WILL BE CALLED JOEY AND FORCED TO WEAR MY PICTURE AROUND
HIS NECK IN EXCHANGE FOR THE EMBARASSMENT I HAD TO DEAL WITH FOR DOING THE
SAME WITH HIS IN THE SECOND GRADE.
HOWARD DEAN: WHO WILL BE FORCED TO CANVAS DOOR TO DOOR AND SPREAD THE
GOSPEL OF JIGGSMERICA.
THE MEMBERS OF EXTREME: WHO WILL SING "MORE THAN WORDS" TO END ANY LATE
NIGHT PARTIES THAT BECOME TO ROWDY.
AND FINALLY...
BRAD PITT: CAUSE THIS SHOWS GONNA NEED RATINGS, AND I'M GONNA BAN HIM FROM
WEARING CLOTHES.
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RULE #5: ALL RAZORS ON THE ISLAND OF JEMERICA WILL HAVE 6 BLADES AND ALOE STRIPS
BETWEEN EACH BLADE. THIS 2 BLADE 3 BLADE 1 ALOE STRIP DEAL JUST ISN'T
CUTTING IT. IF I HAVE TO PAY 6 DOLLARS FOR A DISPOSABLE RAZOR IT BETTER
LAST FOR MORE THAN 3 SHOWERS. FROM NOW ON RAZORS WILL BE FREE LIKE CONDOMS
ON COLLEGE CAMPUSES. BECAUSE THE ONLY THING WORSE THAN HERPES IS LOOKING
LIKE YOU HAVE HERPES ON YOUR KNEES FROM A SHITTY RAZOR.
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RULE #6: ANY EXCEPTIONALLY HAIRY MAN ON THE ISLAND OF JIGGSMERICA WILL NOT BE
PERMITTED TO WEAR ANY OF THE FOLLOWING:
-BUTTON DOWN SHIRTS WITH THE TOP THREE BUTTONS UNBUTTONED.
-TANK TOPS (ESPECIALLY THOSE FROM GOLD'S GYM BECAUSE EVERY HAIRY MAN SEEMS TO
OWN ONE)
-ANY GOLD/SILVER CHAINS BECAUSE THOSE CHAINS ARE LIKE MIRRORS AND I DON'T
NEED TO BE SEEIN' TWO OF EVERY HAIR.
-SANDALS: MEN WITH HAIRY TOES WILL BE FORCED TO WEAR HIGHTOPS WITH ODOR
EATERS AND AIRHOLES.
-BATHING SUITS OF ANY TYPE: BECAUSE EVEN WHEN THEY DO IT STILL LOOKS LIKE
PANTS AND A SWEATER.
AND FINALLY...
NOTHING: A HAIRY MAN MUST REMAIN COVERED AT ALL TIME.
I SUPPOSE YOU ARE WONDERING WHY I DON'TJUST REQUIRE ALL HAIRY MEN TO HAVE
LASER HAIR REMOVAL. MY COMMITTEE SIMBA AND MAGGIE HAVE RESOUNDINGLY OPPOSED
THE LASER REMOVAL. THEY ARE CATS.
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RULE #7: THE FOLLOWING ANIMALS WILL BE BANNED FROM THE ISLAND OF JIGGSMERICA,
1) MINIATURE PONIES:DON'T LET THEIR SIZE FOOL YOU, THEY ARE MENACING
TYRANTS WHO USE THERE PINT-SIZE "CUTENESS" TO LURE YOU INTO THEIR DEATH
TRAP.
2) TURTLES: THERE IS AS I SEE IT ABSOLUTELY NOTHING CUTE OR BENEFICIAL ABOUT
TURTLES. IF I WANTED TO STARE AT A SLOW, FAT, POOP-MACHINE I WOULD INVITE
[annoying high school friend] OVER.
3) PIGEONS AND SEAGULLS: NOT ONLY HAVE THEY USED ME AS A POO-TARGET, BUT
THEY HAVE AT NUMEROUS TIMES TAKEN AND EATEN MY LOLLYPOPS, POTATO CHIPS, AND
OTHER ASSORTED BEACH SNACKS. PLUS THEY CAN FLY, AND SINCE I CAN'T THAT
MAKES ME MAD.
4) DOLPHINS: SINCE STUSSY HAS BEEN ELECTED AS SOFTBALL/SOCCER/LITTLE LEAGUE
COACH OF JIGGSMERICA, I NEED HER FOCUS TO BE ON THE TEAM.
5) SQUIRRELS: THEY ARE RABID, UGLY AND SPEND WAY TOO MUCH TIME EATING
ACORNS. THEY HAVE ALSO CHASED ME DOWN THE STREET ON SEVERAL OCCASIONS,
INSTILLING A FEAR INDESCRIBABLE. TO THIS DAY I CROSS THE STREET WHEN I SEE
A SQUIRREL.
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RULE #9: THE FOLLOWING PEOPLE WILL NOT BE PERMITTED ON THE ISLAND OF JIGGSMERICA:
1) THE FAKE HANDICAPPED LADY FROM ROCKVILLE CENTRE: LOOK IF I CAN WATCH YOU
GET OUT YOUR CAR WHILE SMOKIN' A CIGARETTE AND GABBIN' ON YOUR CELL WHILE
YOU'RE KICKING YOUR DOOR SHUT AND THEN PROCEED TO RETREIVE YOUR WHEELCHAIR
FROM YOUR TRUNK, YOU AIN'T HANDICAPPED AND ONLY THE TRULY HANDI CAPPED ARE
GRANTED ACCESS TO JIGGSMERICA.
2) MADDONA: ON JEMERICA WE TRY TO KEEP THE NUMBER OF 70 GOING ON 80 YEAR OLDS
WITH FAKE BRITISH ACCENTS TO A MINIMUM.
3) ANY SURVIVING MEMBERS OF "POISON, METTALICA, NKOTB, OR NELSON"
4) KELLY RIPA: THAT WOMAN HAS HAD 17 BABIES IN THE LAST 2 YEARS AND WE DON'T
NEED THE ISSUE OF OVER-POPULATION TO ARISE IN OUR BELOVED COUNTRY.
5) VANILLA ICE OR M.C HAMMER: THEY'VE ALREADY VICTIMIZED THE U.S
FASHIONABLY.
6) BRITNEY SPEARS OR CHRISTINA AGUILLARA: THEY DANCE WAY BETTER THAN ME.
7) PREGNANT-CHAIN SMOKIN, ALCHOHOL DRINKIN' WEED SMOKIN LADIES: I ALREADY
KNOW MY FAIR SHARE AND WE DON'T NEED ANY TADPOLE BABIES IN JIGGSMERICA.
8) MICHEAL JACKSON: WE AIN'T GOT NO KIDS FOR SALE AT THIS NEVERLAND.
9) GEORGE W. BUSH: CAUSE AMERICA CALLED AND THEY DON'T WANT HIM ANYMORE.
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RULE #10: THE DAYS OF THE WEEK WILL NO LONGER BE REFERRED TO AS MONDAY, TUESDAY, ETC.
ON THE ISLAND OF JIGGSMERICA. INSTEAD THEY WILL BE KNOWN AS THE FOLLOWING:
MONDAY: MONDAY WILL NOW BE CALLED JUNIOR FRIDAY.
TUESDAY: TUESDAY WILL NOW BE KNOWN AS WHO-CARES DAY. BECAUSE TUESDAY IS
THE LAMEST DAY OF THE WEEK, TOO FAR FROM FRIDAY AND TOO CLOSE TO MONDAY.
WEDNESDAY: JIGGSMERICAN IDOL DAY, A DAY IN WHICH THOUSANDS OF CONTESTANTS
COMPETE FOR A PHOTOGRAPHED SEQUINED PHOTO OF MYSELF.
THURSDAY: THURSDAY WILL BE KNOWN AS JIGG'S BIRTHDAY AND WILL BE CELEBRATED
ACCORDINGLY EVERY WEEK, EVERY YEAR FOR MY LIFE AND THEREAFTER.
FRIDAY: WILL BE KNOWN AS "GET TOGETHER WITH YOUR FRIENDS, GET HAMMERED, GO
HOME WITH SOME GUY YOU WOULD CROSS THE STREET TO AVOID IF YOU WERE SOBER,
HAVE THE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE, CALL YOURSELF A CAB AND HATE YOURSELF IN THE
MORNING DAY" MORE COMMONLY REFERRED TO AS"
GTWYFGHGHWSGYWCTSTAIYWSHTSICYACAHYITMD"
SATURDAY: WILL BE KNOWN AS ADOPT A NATIONALITY/ACCENT DAY. CITIZENS WILL
BE REQUIRED TO ABANDON THEIR CURRENT ACCENT AND ADOPT EITHER A HAITIAN,
JAMAICAN, OR JIGGSMERICAN ACCENT, WHICH IS A COMBINATION OF SOUTHERN/JAMAICAN
ACCENTS
SUNDAY: WILL BE REFERRED TO AS FUNDAY. BECAUSE THE BANGLES CALL IT LIKE IT
IS.
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RULE #11: ALL ANIMALS ON THE ISLAND OF JIGGSMERICA WILL BE REQUIRED TO WORK.
IF YOU HAVE:
CATS: TIE A MOP OR BROOM TO ITS TAIL AND YOU NOW HAVE A JANITOR.
DOGS: SPRAY SOME WINDEX ON ITS TONGUE AND YOU NOW HAVE A WINDOW CLEANER.
SNAKE: IF YOU HAVE A CLOGGED DRAIN STRAP A CAMERA ON ITS HEAD AND SEND IT
DOWN THERE, YOU NOW HAVE A PLUMBER.
FERRET: STICK A STOP SIGN ON ITS HEAD AND YOU HAVE A CROSSING GUARD.
BIRD: YOU NEED TO MAIL LETTERS NO MORE YOU NOW HAVE YOUR OWN FEDEX
EMPLOYEE.
HORSE: HORSES WILL BE GIVEN FOREIGN SOUNDING NAMES AND WILL BECOME TAXI CAB
DRIVERS.
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RULE #12: THE FOLLOWING SLANG WORDS AND CATCH PHRASES WILL BE REPLACED WITH THE
FOLLOWING ON THE ISLAND OF JIGGSMERICA.
1) "SWEET": REFERRING TO SOMETHING AS SWEET LIKE "MAN, YOUR HOUSE IS SWEET"
WILL BE REPLACED WITH. "CARROT STICKS" AS IN "MAN, YOUR HOUSE IS CARROT
STICKS"
2) "FUCKED UP" AS IN "I CAN'T BELEIVE SHE DID THAT, THAT'S FUCKED UP" WILL BE
REPLACED WITH "WEEK OLD CAT LITTER" AS IN " I CAN'T BELEIVE SHE DID THAT,
THAT'S WEEK OLD CAT LITTER."
3) "FLY" AS IN "MAN HE'S FLY". WILL BE REPLACED WITH "CAPTAIN CRUNCHBERRIES"
AS IN "MAN HE'S CAPTAIN CRUNCHBERRIES"
4) "HOLY COW" AS IN "HOLY COW DID YOU SEE THAT SHIT" WILL BE REPLACED WITH
"MARTIAN JUICE" AS IN "MARTIAN JUICE DID YOU SEE THAT"
5) "DA BOMB" AS IN "I'M DA BOMB" WILL BE REPLACED WITH DA BACON LETTUCE TOMATO
AS IN " I'M DA BACON LETTUCE TOMATO"
6) YO WILL BE REPLACED WITH "SHAZBOT"
7) "WHAT'S UP" WILL BE REPLACED WITH "WHAT'S WITH YOU, ASS?"
8) REFERRING TO YOUR CAR AS YOUR "WHIP" OR "RIDE" WILL BE REPLACED WITH "METAL
DEATH TIN"
9) REFERRING TO YOUR HOME AS YOUR "CRIB OR PAD" WILL BE REPLACED WITH "4
WALLED LOSER BOX"
10) REFERRING TO YOUR FRIENDS AS YOUR "PEEPS OR CREW" AS IN "TONIGHT ME AND
MY PEEPS ARE CHILLIN DOWN AT DA CLUB " WILL BE REPLACED WITH "MIDGET-MES"
AS IN "TONIGHT ME AND MY MIDGET -MES ARE CHILLIN DOWN AT THE CLUB."
HERE IS AN EXAMPLE OF THE PRECEDING:
SHAZBOT, I DECIDED NOT TO STAY AT IN MY 4 WALLED LOSER BOX SO I CALLED UP MY
MIDGET-MES AND TOLD THEM I WOULD SWING BY AND PICK THEM UP IN MY METAL
DEATH TIN AND WE WOULD HEAD DOWN TO THE CLUB. THE PLAN WAS CARROT STICKS
AND I PICKED UP MY MIDGET MES AND WE STROLLED INTO THE CLUB CHECKING OUT
SOME GUYS. I STARTED TALKING TO THIS ONE GUY WHO WAS TOTALLY CAPTAIN
CRUNCHBERRIES, AND I WAS LIKE "WHAT'S WITH YOU, ASS? HE'S LIKE NOT MUCH BUT
DAMN YOU'RE FINE AND I WAS LIKE "HELL YEAH I'M MORE THAN FINE i'M BACON,
LETTUCE , TOMATOES, BABY." WE CHATTED FOR A BIT AND I EXCUSED MYSELF TO
GET A DRINK, AND WHEN I RETURNED ONE OF MY MIDGET MES WAS ALL OVER HIM. SO
I GRABBED HER AND GOT IN HER FACE LIKE "SHAZBOT, GIRL,THAT'S SO WEEK OLD
LITTER YA KNOW I SAW HIM FIRST."
tune in for more rules as Jiggs's plans unfold...